So. Today’s July Fourth and I woke up at six-thirty and did some writing until nine, then the three older kids rode their bikes as I jogged. I spent the rest of the day either sleeping or watching stupid movies. Last night we went over to the Todd’s house; Andre and Daniell met us there. We had some food and then went to the fireworks in Laurel.
Jessica’s been mopey and dour all day, as she is on most weekends, and it’s hard not to take it personally. She says it’s all about money — in her mind everything that’s wrong with her and our relationship would be solved by having more money, or by me being a better leader or more Christian or more romantic or whatever.
I think she’s just bored with me. She wants to change me (or have God change me) into whatever she wants me to be, and maybe she’s starting to lose hope that that’s going to happen. I know I’m dull. I’m not a socialite or anything and I don’t really enjoy a lot of flashy, glitzy scenes where people dance, like weddings or parties or clubs. I’m pretty satisfied just reading and writing in a quiet house.
She and I have talked about this before, but I feel kind of bored with her, too. I like her physically, and I think she’s a very sweet and loving person. But she’s extremely quiet and doesn’t say much, she doesn’t read, doesn’t have any interests or hobbies outside of bearing and raising children, and she doesn’t have an opinion about much of anything except that she wants more babies. We have nothing in common except our faith and our children and maybe that’s enough, but sometimes you wonder. And when I try to do the OPPOSITE of what I’m doing here and focus on the positive things and all the blessings she brings in my life and that of our kids, she gets upset about it because (sigh) I had an affair once, so I’m shamed into silence.
But the problems we’re having predate the affair. Maybe they predate our marriage, I don’t know. I’m sure I didn’t turn out to be the person she expected, and neither did she.
Maybe no one knows the person they’ve married until after saying the vows.
Maybe no one ever really knows the person they’ve married.