April 27, 2010

I’m feeling that old haunting feeling that my life is directionless and without purpose. I spent all day Sunday watching movies on Netflix, to the high chagrin of my oldest daughter who kept nagging me to go someplace “fun.” This past weekend I was looking at online universities, thinking about going back to school. And yesterday I was praying that my gifts — but particularly the gift of words and writing — would find the proper expression, by which I mean the expression(s) God envisioned when He poured this strange mix of strengths and weaknesses into my being and breathed upon it.

So here I am fifteen minutes before I have to start getting ready to go to my workaday job, writing something. Anything. I keep wondering why I haven’t finished a book about the experiences in my relationships with God and Jessica and the Other Woman. I make a lot of excuses, but they’re like a house built on sand and when the truth hits them and they bowl over maybe the truth is that I’m just lazy. It takes discipline to write. You have to be consistent. I’m not consistent.

I’m not consistent with anything, not with my pursuit of relationships, not with my health decisions, not with my writing, not with reading the Word or prayer, not with anything. Maybe the only thing I do with any dependability is go to work. Maybe Pepsi gets the very best of me, and everyone and everything else gets the scraps.

I’m getting gray hairs. This year I’ll be 35. Thirty. Five. When you’re breaking in on middle age there’s a strong temptation to look backward a little bit and sort of analyze things. Where you’ve been, how your choices have affected you, what might have been different if you’d finished college instead of having an affair, stuff like that. But it’s not all negative. Maybe the reason people go crazy and have mid-life crises is because it’s the first time wisdom has ever started to seep into their experiences and they don’t know how to handle it: the certainty of death and the limits of time in this life. So for my part there’s just this desire to fulfill the will of God, the thing He had in mind when He created me. I don’t necessarily interpret this will to include a lot of lofty, high accomplishments. I’m comfortable being a Pepsi man, or a dishwasher, or a Bible teacher. I don’t see any one kind of work as more noble or Christ-centered than the next.

I just mean that for me there needs to be a sense that I am at least moving in the right direction as far as my life goes. Am I leaving my kids a legacy of faith? Am I loving my family? Friends? The Lord? Am I doing something to shine the Light in this world?

Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, But happy is he who keeps the law. Proverbs 29:18

Here I’ve gone 20 minutes. Jesus, be my vision today and always. Lead me.

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